Why we need to talk about death

Two years ago today my Dad died, just seven months after Mum.

While his death was predictable it was totally unexpected and we found ourselves in a grim situation that tragically tens of thousands of us will face over the coming months.

Sudden death, bewildering grief and the endlessly complicated never-ending legal paperwork is a toxic combination and I’m eternally grateful to Dad for thinking ahead and putting a few crucial steps in place which made things easier.

And this is what I want to share with you now in the hope that by talking and planning now, it might help if the worst happens to you or your loved ones.

We had a long time to think about Mum’s death; she’d been slowly dying from Alzheimer’s Disease for nearly 20 years. The unresolved grief was relentless as she seemed to dissolve in front of us, but we had to ‘pull ourselves together’ and be practical so Dad sorted out Lasting Power of Attorney for her and a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order.

That decision was made easier because Mum had made it abundantly clear many years before that if she ever got Alzheimer’s like Grandpa she didn’t want to be here. She made me promise that if she ever got it I should ‘help her out with a bottle of gin and some pills.’ Sadly I couldn’t keep my promise but we could later ensure that she didn’t have to suffer distressing and ultimately pointless resuscitation.

My point here is that having a conversation with Mum and my wonderfully organised Dad made some horrendous decision-making easy for us.

Having sorted all the legal paperwork for her, he gave me POA should anything ever happen to him. And thank god he did. In June 2016 he was felled by a devastating stroke that meant he, the most intelligent of men, no longer had the capacity to make decisions.

Everything was up to me: their finances, their care, their wills. And their funerals.

Luckily, he’d booked and paid for adjacent plots in a local woodland cemetery so I didn’t have to decide what to do with their bodies. Even luckier that this was plan B because they originally wanted to be buried in their back garden — a house I was having to sell to pay astronomical care home fees.

So I knew they wanted to be buried and where to put them but he hadn’t left instructions for the funerals. And emotionally, this was enormously difficult.

I had to guess what they would have wanted. The coffins, service, music and flowers. The only clue to a reading was a piece of card I found with the receipt for the graves. In Dad’s handwriting it said “A traditional Irish Blessing” so that’s what I read at the end of both funerals. Everything else was instinct and guesswork.

And it is literally guesswork because nobody prepares you for death and the legal hoops you’re expected to jump through. I had no idea how complicated the process is from registering the death, sending off copies of death certificates, calling people, closing accounts, the utter hell of probate and legal machinations.

And then there’s the endless waiting. Two and a half years after Mum died and two years for Dad and we are STILL waiting for HMRC to finalise how much more money they want from us. The Government is going to need to simplify and speed this process up significantly in the wake of COVID19. It’s an inexcusably long wait for closure and we still haven’t got it so the impact of this pandemic will have all sorts of other complications and more pain for the living.

So my advice for all of us, because it could be any one of us, is to start talking about death now and to get organised to make it easier on your family if the worst happens.

Have you got an up to date Will, POA and Statement of wishes. Do your family know — and agree — what you’d like done with your body/at your funeral?

Would they know where to find everything? My friend has what he gloriously calls his ‘Deathbox’ — a box containing all the significant paperwork his family might need when he dies. Bank details, savings, mortgage/rental details, passwords, wills, statement of wishes, funeral plan etc.

And if, like the rest of us you don’t know where to start, there are all sorts of resources available in the UK from Marie Curie’s Planning Ahead Checklist to Advance Decision and Funeral planning and a Step by Step guide for what to do.

It’s time to start talking and getting organised to make things easier for our loved ones. In the meantime, stay safe. And here’s that beautiful Irish blessing.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,

may God hold you in the palm of His hand.